October 15th

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. In the blog world, it can become overwhelming and emotional as you read the stories of so many women that have been effected by pregnancy and infant loss.
Is has been 19 months since Chad and I suffered our own pregnancy loss. It was the hardest 4 days of my life having to carry on knowing that I was soon going to lose something that I had grown to love so much in such a short, short amount of time. I remember feeling very hallow and sad, walking around in a haze.
Prior to that pregnancy I didn’t know many people that had ever had miscarriages. The ones that I did always shocked me with how strong they were. I always said that if something like that happened to me I never thought that I would be able to get out of bed.
I guess that God knew I was stronger than that. He rewarded our strength 12 months later with a wonderful, healthy baby boy.
Today, my heart goes out to all mothers and families that have suffered the loss of a pregnancy or infant. God is with you…

Mom Guilt

When I was preparing to become a mother there was a topic that all other mothers neglected to mention – Mom Guilt. There are several levels of Mom Guilt that one can experience and I am pretty sure that I am on at least one level at some point of any given day.
The first type of Mom Guilt is the Working Mom Guilt. Currently, it is in the best interest of our family that we be a two income family. I was so fortunate to get to spend the better half of 6 months being a stay at home mom, knowing that it was only temporary. Now, my son is just another kid in daycare – and that KILLS me. I would give anything to spend my days going to MOPS meetings and play dates with all my other stay at home friends (okay, currently I have no stay at home friends but I’m sure that if I was staying home they would just flock to me…). We would go to the zoo and go to the park and when it was cold we would do laps around the mall and window shop (sure, we’d do that when it was warm too, and there would probably be actual shopping involved regardless of the weather). But instead I drop my son off at 7:30 a.m. and we go our separate ways until I can swoop in and rescue him at 5:30 p.m. I spend maybe two hours with him a night before he goes to bed and then we do it all again the next day. I just know he’s going to crawl for her before he does for me and first steps? If it happens, I don’t want to know. I want first steps to be for mommy and daddy.
I thought that the idea of being a Work at Home Mom would be a good idea, but that’s a joke. I feel even more neglectful when I actually see that smiling face looking back at me and instead of tickling him or cuddling him, I have to look away and answer an email or repair a spreadsheet. Work at home? No thanks.
A few weeks ago I HAD to go into work on morning even though he was home from daycare sick. I cried the whole way to work. It wasn’t fair. I should be there rocking him and making him better but that particular morning I just couldn’t call in. I would only work for a few hours and then be home to get him but it was still so hard. The guilt was too much. That’s a Working Mother’s Burden…Working Mom Guilt.

The second type of Mom Guilt is the kind that we allow other mothers to put upon us. This is the “Bad Mom” Guilt. I have chosen to vaccinate my son, have him circumcised, have let him use a walker and have actually left my son OVERNIGHT in the care of another human being (a few times, actually). These are all things that some mothers would find to be unforgivable. To them I have mutilated my son, increased his risks of becoming autistic, put him in eminent danger and have just shown that my son is not my number one priority and that I obviously love him less than a mother who “just can’t leave her baby.” The sad part is, I actually let other women’s opinions bother me. The truth is that all mothers JUDGE. It’s so hard to just sit back and say “I’ll raise my child the way I want to and you raise your child the way you want to and as long as no one gets hurt, we’re both doing a good job”. As mothers we worry so much about doing a good job. Those that choose to tell me that they could NEVER do the horrible things to their child that I have done to mine only make me worry more. Thanks for all the “Bad Mom” Guilt.

The last kind of guilt is the guilt that is pretty all encompassing for me. It’s a combination of Working Mom Guilt and “Bad Mom” Guilt. It’s the guilt that I have with every decision that I make as a mother. Was it the right one? I’m guilty of letting Hunto was Wheel of Fortune. I am guilty of letting him sleep in my bed when I’m too tired to put him back in his after a feeding. I am guilty of not trusting my own instincts. I am guilty of crying at work when I think about how badly I would rather be home with my boy. I am guilty of letting women that I have never met make me feel guilty about the way that I choose to raise my son. Guilty. Guilty. Guilty.

But, most days, most of the time, all of the guilt that I feel is suppressed by the strange sense of calm that I have from my true faith that I AM a good mother. I DO know what is best for MY son. Hunter will grow and thrive at the hands of his father and me. He loves us unconditionally, just as we love him. And when it all comes down to it…that’s all that really matters.

These ain't your grandma's stuffed animals...

So, I promised that I would include a few pics from our recent trip to God's, I'm sorry, Wal-Mart's country. These first few are of the house that we stayed in. This is the living room.

How are you supposed to watch TV when this is what is looking back at you????

And, because I'm a horrible mother....

"One of these things is not like the other..."

Meet Hunter's new best friend, Mr. Badger.

And the one you have all been waiting for, though I couldn't bring myself to strip him down to his diaper and lay him on them.

Betcha thought I was exaggerating!

Big Girl Shopping

I have this illness, you see. Anytime there is an event, of any magnitude, I feel compelled to buy a new outfit. This is a negative thing on many levels. First, there is the fact that I am not made of money and yet I insist on spending it. Second, I hate shopping. Well, I shouldn't say that I "hate" it. Shopping and I just don't get along...
This Saturday my mother, sister and I are attending a wedding shower. Normally, I would try to find something at home to wear. But this shower had a black and white theme and while I have plenty of black clothes (oh, so slimming) I was certainly lacking in the white department. So off I went to the mall.
Now, I'm a big girl. Hey, I just had a kid, leave me alone. Wait, I was big before the baby...damnit! Tonight I came to the conclusion that there is not a single plus size woman that does any sort of buying for plus size departments. It is my guess that a room full of plus size clothing merchants probably weigh about as much as my thigh. These merchants obviously assume that plus size women don't care much about how they look and therefore they chose to add their discount bauble and beading to plus size clothing. I was seriously amazed at the plus size clothes that I was looking at. I mean, what plus size woman wouln't want to wear a boat neck top where the neck hole is actually a zipper? Or why not throw in some giant plastic gems in a haphazard pattern across the chest? That sounds fantastic... Macy's appears to assume that in order to be plus size, you must also be a card carrying member of the AARP. Can you say embroidered capris in sage and coral and tan? Grrrr....
I'm sure you skinny people are just saying to yourself "hey fatty, why not quit your bitching and do something about it." Okay, I'll do that, but it ain't gonna happen before Saturday so bare with me here kids.
I was about to give up hope when that sweet navy blue sign caught my eye and I fell into the Gap. After an hour and a half of scowering the rest of the mall and throwing up in my mouth a few times, I finally found something for the shower in a non plus size store. Now, let's all say a little prayer that I am done puttin' on the lbs because if I do outgrow the Gap, I'm going into hiding with my embroidered tan capris and bauble adorned wide strap tanks.

We survived.

We are alive, well and home from Arkansas. The trip was nice, though it didn't feel like much of a vacation exactly. I guess when you work as little as I do, it takes a little something extra to make it really feel like something amazing. I forgot to upload pictures but I did want to leave you with the quote that pretty much sums up the trip for me...

"Karen, get your gun, that cat's got a GODDAMN copperhead!!!"

Ahh, it feels good to be home.

In case you never hear from me again...

Tomorrow we leave for Arkansas, way back in the sticks of Arkansas mind you. Chad informed this morning that when we get down there I will need to be on the lookout for tarantulas and rattle snakes. WHAT? I started crying, no kidding, I was bawling. I'm going to be staying in a house full of stuffed bobcat carcass(es?) and I am going to be on high alert the whole time looking out for the most disgusting creature to ever roam the planet and deadly, venomous man-eating snakes, all while trying to keep it together for a six month old baby. What have I gotten myself into??? To make matters worse...it's a dry county!
So, if you never hear from me again, you can assume that one of two things has happened. Either a.) I was killed/eaten by said venomous man-eating snake or b.) I saw one of those ENORMOUS furry eight legged beasts and fell dead just out of sheer terror.
Should be fun!

Growing and growing...

Today was Hunter's six month well child visit. I decided to take the whole day off and just spend a little extra time with my little man before hand. He was a complete dream baby this morning (though he rarely isn't) and we both enjoyed sleeping in and tons of cuddles and kisses. His "kisses" are really just him sucking or licking my chin or cheek. Sure, it's kinda creepy, but it's too darn funny to stop him. And the fact that he only gives "kisses" to me makes them that much more special.
Anywho...
The appointment today went really well. We are still growing a stalky little wad. He weighs 20#7oz and is 26" long. That puts him in the 90th percentile in weight and the 50th in height. He's my chubby little bubby!
Tomorrow it is back to work for me and back to daycare for Hunto. This weekend we are heading out on our first official family vacation. We are heading to Arkansas to visit some family of Chad's. It should be fun. The house we are staying in belongs to a taxedermist which has me a bit, um, anxious. But it's sure to make for some interesting pictures. :)
Hope everyone had a good weekend and has a blessed week.
Also, a good friend of ours was in a car accident earlier today and could use some prayers. She skidded though an intersection and was t-boned. She has broken her pelvis in 4 places. At last report, they were preparing to transport her to KUMed.
I don't know much more but I do know that she's in our thoughts and will remain in our prayers until we know more.

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

There is NO WAY that I cried harder than Hunter today during his vaccinations. I'm too tough for something like that. And, because I am so tough, I certainly did NOT get so upset when I tried to give him his eye drops that I just wound up holding him, rocking him and crying right along with him. His eyes may never clear up because I don't know if I can go through that again!

I also did NOT buy Hunter a tub-o-toys from Wally World today after his shots out of guilt. That is a nasty habit that I would most certainly NOT be starting at the ripe old age of six months.

We did NOT enlist my parents to babysit Hunter on Friday night so that Chad and I could have a date night/party time only too come to the realization that we are not 21 anymore and we're much better off as mommy and daddy as opposed to party animals.

When Hunter decided to take a nap at 7:30 this morning, there is NO WAY that I thought I should join him and snooze by his side until 9:15! I certainly would NOT waste my day off by sleeping in that late.

I think that is all that I have NOT been doing this week...

Smells like a winner.

The building I work in is (strategically) placed between a burrito factory and a women's prison. While one would think that playing neighbors with a bunch of murderers and other assorted female felons would be the turn off, they would be mistaken. If those women were to break out they would want to get as far away from the area as possible, not just next door.
This morning, the temperature was right, the humidity was that perfect bit of heavy and the sun was just over the horizon when I pulled into work. As I opened the door of my car to step out I was punched, beaten and shaken to the ground by the horrible, HORRIBLE smell of rotten potatoes and beans wahfting into our parking lot from the burrito plant. I simply sat back in my seat, closed the door and asked the heavens why I work here again and thank the heavens that I wasn't hungover.
That is all.

Six Months one way, half a year the other.

Six months, really? I can barely get my head around it. Six months ago today I woke up and knew my life would never be the same. I was excited, and terrified. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. You know what? I wouldn't change one second of it. Not one. Not one poopy diaper, not one sleepless night. I am head over heels over head over heels in love with every last second of the last six months.
Don't get me wrong, the last six months haven't been easy. It has been an adventure none the less. An adventure in patience. An adventure in marriage. An adventure in selflessness. An adventure in the purest, most amazing kind of love. I still have a hard time watching Hunter sleep without breaking down in tears because of how wonderful he is. Hunter is amazing. He's so fun and happy. I'm totally bless, Chad and I are totally blessed.
I'm so looking forward to the next 6 months. He could be walking by then, talking a little. Who knows!?! It's pretty awesome to think about.
Okay, enough gooshy mooshy stuff.

Happy half birthday Mr. Hunter!

Not Me...not again.

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

It certainly was NOT ME that, at the first sign of my son’s first runny nose, ran out and bought a brand new humidifier and batter operated nasal aspirator as well as moved a mattress onto the nursery floor so that I could be in there to listen to him breathe – just in case... Nope, not me. There is no way that I am that neurotic of a mother. No way, no how.

I am definitely NOT delaying solids for Hunter partially because I just don’t want to worry about cleaning up baby mess (at least) twice a day…every day…once we decide to start. I am strictly doing it for his own benefit and certainly NOT for my own benefit in any way, shape or form.

There is NO WAY that Chad and I stayed up way past our bedtimes last night watching “Megan Wants a Millionaire” on VH1. That show is an undeniable train wreck of akwardness that NO ONE of my great intellect would be caught watching or *cough* enjoying.

When out to lunch on Saturday I did NOT for get to bring Hunter’s paci and therefore choose to entertain him by allowing him to chew on a *possibly* clean baby spoon that came out of the bottom of my niece’s diaper bag. And only the most insensitive of mothers would giggle at the faces that he made when he would accidentally gag himself with it, and that is certainly NOT ME.

**Happy Six Month Birtday to my sweet sweet baby Hunter** Hard to believe you've made it this far with me for a mother! :)

Follow Along...

Since so man of my fans have begged to know which blogs I follow (okay, so my mom mentioned the question in passing one day and quickly lost intrest in my answer) I have decided to share just a few of my current obsessions with you all. Please note, these are just my current top three. The list of blogs that I follow on the side are actually all mini obsessions...keeping up on them all usually leaves my son feeling somewhat neglected. Relax mother, I'm kidding -- sort of.

I couldn't give a list without first mentioning the woman that turned me on to blogging to begin with. One of my bestest buddies in the whole wide world...MO! Michelle's Moments is our little Mo's way of keeping her bazillion friends up to date with her ever excting live. Seriously, no one makes friends like this woman. She loves to talk and if she was forced to share these stories with all of her gagillion friends one at at time, she would have no time to create new stories...or breathe, for that matter. Hence, the blog. The blog is a fun little journey through the life of a successful single gal in her *almost* late twenties and all of her journeys, quilts and recipes. Good times.

Dooce is a blog that my dear friend Oprah Winfrey turned me on to. This woman is "piss-down-your-leg" funny. It's not your typical "mom" blog but it's entirely entertaining. She has a pulls no punches attitude and sarcasm that goes on for miles. Love it.

The third in my current top 3 (though they are in no particular order) is my MckIdol. MckMama leads a pretty sweet life and is kind enough to share it with the world without making you feel absolutely pathetic about your own existance. She is the mother of 4 stinkin' cute kids (though none are cuter than the little Huntin' Dog) and the youngest has a heart condition. It's hard to read about little Stellan's struggle and not think about my own little guy and what I would be like in her situation. Her faith and optimism are unwavering and very inpirational. She is also a great photographer and I love looking at her pictures. Her sense of humor is also very relatable. She's MckGreat!

So, there's just a few of the people whose lives I enjoy stalking. There are more though, that's just the start.
It wouldn't be my blog though if I didn't leave you with something like this...

Band of Mothers

When I was about 5 months pregnant I was unemployed and living in a town where I knew pretty much no one. It was just me and Chad. He was gone during the day and I could only watch so much small claims court television. Researching my pregnancy lead me to babycenter.com, which led me to the February 2009 Birth Club. Here was this huge group of women going through something insanely similar to what I was going through. If I was having an ache or sadness, there was someone else on that message board that either knew all about it, or knew nothing, but was having the same issue.
Sure, when you get that many women together there will be cat fights. There are nice girls and mean girls. And hundreds of those that fit into neither category. There were first time moms and moms working on #5. There are "crunchy" moms and nowhere near crunchy moms. Some of us had Secret Mommies that we sent gifts to and those that we received gifts from. It was my pregancy haven. I loved it.
And then we all started having our babies...
I always assumed that once Hunter was born I would be too busy for the message board but that wasn't the case. From the time he was born, I couldn't wait to get home and post his "birth announcement" online.
The board certainly did slow down after the babies all came but there was still plenty of advice (and drama) to keep everyone entertained. I didn't have a real support group - I don't do playdates or Mommy and Me. These women were my new mother support system. I never realized what a truly amazing band of mothers they were until we found out about Micah.
When word came of his passing, so many of us cried. We posted messages about our crying. We hid in our cubicles or offices at work and cried. We cried for this family. And then came the most amazing thing ever...a post from Micah's mom. She simply asked us not to be sad, that Micah had brought us all together and that she got to spend 5 amazing months with him and he would now be looking over her and her husband. I was shocked! Here was a woman that had just lost her son and she was consoling a thousand women when we should have been consoling her. What an amazing woman and beautiful mother. I don't know her, I have never met her, or even seen her picture but she had become my hero for her grace and strength.
This band of mothers are doing what we can to support her and she's actually helping to support us. I don't think that there was ever a question that we would do something for this family. It's impossible to hold your own February 2009 baby and not think that God could just as easily have put this plan in place for your baby, so with tear filled eyes, you reach out knowing that if the roles were reversed...she would be reaching out to you.

In Memory of Micah

For the past week or so I have been following a young man's battle through his families postings on CaringBridge.com. This morning came the post that all of us that were praying for this little boy (born one day before Hunter) hoped would never come. His battle had been lost and he was with the angels now. Give your babies an extra kiss or hug today and treasure them...completely. Poopy diapers and 2am feedings are gifts from God, not to be taken for granted. Take an extra minute today to pray for Micah's family and for the families of all of those that are holding onto and loving those little ones that are so innocently fighting for their lives. God Bless!

The Bathroom

We are the first occupants of our house. There was no paint on any of the walls when we moved in. A few years ago, not long after we got married I decided that the first room that we should tackle was our guest bathroom. My sister's house had this great yellow guest bath with this cute beachy theme. I decided to try and copy the look...and failed miserably.

 

My husband and I both grew to hate this bathroom. We did a crappy rushed job on the paint and there was no style to it. It was just an ugly yellow bathroom. I like to blame him for the bathroom. Yes, I did pick out the color, but he let me!! :)
So, after watching a friend move into a new home and start painting it I decided that it was time for a change. Where else to start. So, after two days and less than $100 from start to finish, I'm pretty proud of the outcome. It's actually a bathroom that doesn't make me want to puke -- or give me a headache.
For those that may not know, we lived in this house for 2.5 years until January 2008 when we moved to Hays for Chad's job. Well thanks to the economy, when we decided to move back here 54 weeks later, our house was still on the market so we moved right back in. The bath/shower used to have doors on it and when we first lived here this was Chad's bathroom. Now that we have a +1 we decided that this became the baby's bathroom. Since bathing a baby in a tub/shower with doors is NOT fun, we ripped them off. That only added to the tacky factor of this bathroom. Since we didn't want to actually tear the tracks down and destroy the whole area, we did the next best thing...we hid it with this lovely new shower curtain.

 

 

Not too bad. Nothing fancy but it works well for us. It has a calming effect now. It also smells super nice thanks to the big vase full of soap bars. I only wish that I would have sprung for Caress or Dove soap. The shape of the Dial makes it kind of look like bones or something. The picture behind the stool was a quick throw together project using left over letters from a diaper cake I made to spell out BATH. I have a feeling it will be redone in the near future, but it will do for now.
Isn't the picture of Hunter great? What better place to put a bathing baby picture than in the bathroom. I just love that smile on his face, though it's probably hard for you to see.

Chad has agreed to let me redo any room in the house as long as I can do it for under $100. I feel like I'm on my own HGTV show now!

Now...on to tackle the guest room.

Nope... not me

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I most certainly did NOT spend an extra five minutes pumping in the Women's Resource Room today so that I could finish an article in a magazine. That's so irresponsible...I would NEVER do that!
I do NOT worry that my sweet, precious son's first word might be of the four letter persuasion due to the fact that I can't help but curse the heavens while driving...
My husband has NOT recently suggested that I give up driving all together because of my road rage. Of course I do NOT assume that everyone else on the road has made it their sole goal in life to prevent me from getting from point A to point B happily.
While painting our bathroom yesterday is was certainly NOT important to me that my outfit match though I didn't care that the shirt was missing sleeves and had a giant spit up stain on it.
I did NOT spend my commute home today deciding which wonderful things that I do NOT do that I would post on my first Not Me Monday.
I am NOT letting Chubbs nap an hour before his bed time just so that I can finish writing this.

Just because I love him...

Not a whole lot to say today, but wanted to world to see my sweet baby.



I wonder if this kid will ever really know how much his daddy and I love him. I don't know that I will ever be able to verbalize the way that I really feel about him and the crazy thing is...it grows every day.

A Long and Lovely Weekend

Since having the baby and being home, it's hard to distinguish a weekend from a weekday most of the time but this past Memorial weekend was certainly one that we made the most of. It was full of family and fun...just the way that I love them.
We kicked off our Saturday by doing what the weekend was intended for - honoring our loved ones that have died. My parents, Hunter and I made the cemetary rounds. Our first stop was Fort Leavenworth where my mom's dad is buried. Military cemetaries are so beautiful, especially on Memorial weekend. It was nice to get to "introduce" Hunter to my grandpa. They would have gotten along splendidly, I'm sure of it. Our next stop was Independence, MO where my uncle is buried. I stayed in the car at the cemetary there because Hunter was sleeping but Mom and Dad left flowers and shared a moment with Uncle Jim. Before leaving the Kansas City area we stopped to see my Grandma. She's been having trouble with her knees lately and isn't able to get around much. But a chubby little baby will cheer anyone up.

After our stop with Grandma it was back on the road. We stopped for lunch in Lawrence before heading on to Overbrook where my dad's parents are buried. Once again we "introduced" Hunter to a few more family members that would have loved him as much as we all do.
Once we got home that night and got the little guy to bed I headed out to spend time with some good friends of mine. My dear friend Julie was in town from Philly those available met up at the bar for a little cocktails and catching up.

Sunday was family fun day! My Uncle Mike and Aunt Sharon hosted a family cookout at their house. It seems like everytime that our family gets together, someone has a new baby. This time the newest baby on the block was the beautiful daughter of my cousin (might as well be brother) Adam and his wife Tammy. Little Layla is sweet as can be. At almost a month old, she now weighs as much as little Hunter did when he was born.

My favorite little diva in the world was there too. My sweet sweet niece Camryn was there. I can't believe how much she has grown since I saw her less than a month ago at her first birthday. She's a walkin' talkin' fool these days, and obviously much too cool.

Not to be outdone, little Hunter donned his outdoor gear for some quality time by the pool.

Daddy also decided to introduce the little guy to a little game of washers and found that his game was uneffected by little Hunto - the hands free model.


Monday was quite the exciting day for Chad. He started off the morning by heading down to the farm with my dad to do a little bow fishing. That's right, regular fishing just wasn't challenging enough so he wanted to see if he could get something with his bow instead. Wouldn't you know it. First shot, first arrow and the guy gets one! Made his day...now I just wish he'd quit talking about it. :)

The afternoon was spent relaxing in Holton on the in-law's back porch and in their hot tub while Grandma cooed over the baby.
Such a great weekend. Wouldn't change a thing about it. I just wish that such fun could happen more often.

Adult Interaction

I had the opportunity to go into the office and work today for the first time since November. It was so nice to actually spend my day with other adults. The department that I worked in is short staffed right now so my contract was extended through this month and I'm able to go to the office two days a week for the next month. I sure missed Hunto but it was sure nice to be out of the house.
I know that I'm going to have to go back to work I just don't like the idea of having to job hunt. I had at least four people stop me in the office and tell me how great it was to have me back. I just wish one of them would realize that if they really wanted me back full time all they would have to do is ask. I guess that is a lot easier said than done though.
Hunto spend the day with Grandma and Grandpa. Since school is out I am taking full advantage of my free daycare. When I got to their house tonight to pick the little guy up my dad was wheeling him around the house in an umbrella stroller. Apparently Hunto did not want to play alone so it was requiring constant attention. Dad has a sore shoulder (they say it's a farm injury, I say it's from too much golf) and had to call in reinforcements to keep Little Foot happy. It was so cute. They were just passing by the front door when I walked up and Hunto gave me the biggest smile. I swear he grew while I was at work. What's the first thing he did for Mommy when she got her hands on him? Puke straight down her chest! Awesomeness. Oh well...worth it.
The old folks must have worn Hunter out because he didn't even make it all the way though his nightime bottle before he started snoozing away. It was a good day. I missed my little booger but am excited that I get the opportunity to talk to someone not in a cartoon voice for another day!

Random Note...

Little Foot has decided that sleeping isn't his number one priority these days. I'm lucky to get a good 45 minute napper out of him once or twice a day. Today while Chad was home I decided to run to Wal-Mart and do our weekly shopping. Before I left, I nurse Hunto and put him down for a nap. I assumed he would wake up in 30 minutes or so and Daddy would get some quality play time in. Tell me why, WHY the one time that I leave that kid alone with his dad he actually sleeps for a significant amount of time. Grrrr! Needless to say, I wasn't home 10 minutes before he was awake again and wanting his momma!

A baby by any other name...

I'm starting to wonder if Hunter will ever actually know his real name. We never seem to call him by it. The closest that we come is Hunto...which is close. But still not his name. Below is a list of the many things that we call the little guy:

Hunto
Stinker
Stinkapotamus
Dirty Monkey (that is ALL Chad)
Booger Bottom
Bubba
Captain
Cappy
Senor Fussybritches
Senor Crabbypants
Little Foot
Milk Master (again, all Chad)
Little Chad (LC)
Mini Chad (MC)
Chubbs
Cheeks
Chunkers
Sweet Cheeks
Pudgers
Puddin' Pie
Buddy

I don't know if he'll ever answer to Hunter when he's older. What names do you have for your little ones???

Those little things...

They all say that they grow up too fast. I guess I knew it would happen with Hunter too. I feel like in the past week he's become a whole new person. He no longer likes his long naps (bummer) but still sleeps like a champ at night (thank goodness). He has a play bar on his infant carrier and the other night, while eating dinner he actually started playing with it. Tapping the frog and flipping him around. I was in shock. I had to watch for quite a long time just to make sure that it wasn't a fluke. Sure enough he was actually playing with it, not just staring at it like he had been doing for the last 13 weeks. At my folks house he was also sitting up by himself. Not for long, mind you. Mere seconds but it was so awesome. I left him with my parents for a while and when I got home he was holding his own bottle! What happened to my sweet helpless baby??? He's just growing so fast. Kenny Chesney was right...Don't Blink!!!

Cannibalistic Tendencies

What is it about babies that make them look so delicious? Sometimes I just want to chomp Hunto's little ears clean off. I often find myself making piggy noises into his ear at I pretent to nibble on it. And those cheeks! Oh those sweet, juicy cheeks. I can't help but kiss 'em. I've been known to take pretend bites out of those little apples on more than one occasion. That kid runs the risk of losing an appendage if he brings a hand or foot anywhere near my chompers. People always tell you that you can't help but kiss a sweet baby but I never knew I would want to nibble on him too!

I mean, look at those cheeks...don't they just look delicious???

etc...

It has been two months since the last time I posted anything and yet it feels like yesterday. Time is flying by, I can't even believe it. Hunter is growing like a weed. He's enormous and I'm madly in love with each and every little roll on his body. He's starting to get personality and is just the funniest little creature. He's totally content just laying on the ground looking up at the fan or air vent. They are his best friends (aside from me of course). He's an amazing sleeper most nights. Sleeping from 8 or 9 pm to 6 am. Only to wake long enough to eat and smile for a few minute before heading back to dream land for another 3 hours. I'm getting more sleep now than I have in a long time. **here's hoping that I'm not jinxing myself**

My niece Camryn will be one year old on Sunday. She is exactly 9 months and 7 days older than Hunter. I look at her and can't belive that just a year ago she wasn't here. She is SO fun and adorable. I'm such a proud aunt. Her parents are throwing a party for her on Saturday which I am looking forward to. It's always fun to watch little ones open their presents and tear apart their first birthday cake.

Since my last post our family has been growing. Two of my cousins' wives have had beautiful baby girls. Just this past Monday my cousin that was more like a brother, Adam and his wife Tammy gave birth to Layla. I am so excited to see what a great father he is going to be. They are going to be fantastic parents.

I should be sleeping...I think I'll give it a shot.
Here's an oldy but goody of my little guy...

**Motherhood**

We have survived three weeks now - Hunter and I. I can't even begin to describe what these few weeks have been like. My hormones are still a little out of control so it has certainly been one emotional roller coaster. Somedays I don't know who is crying more, me or the little guy. I think it's getting better...today is a good day anyway.
It's crazy how much Hunter has changed already since he was born. He smiled at me today...in a way that I knew wasn't gas. We looked into each others eyes and it was so awesome. I could have cried looking at my little angel but instead I just stared back with a goofy smile on my face. He is truly the love of my life.
Here are a few of the things that I have learned in the first few weeks of motherhood...
** Sleepers that zip, instead of snap are God's gift to first time parents.
** All diapers should have wetness indicators on them - not just newborn ones.
** Cheap baby wipes aren't worth the savings. In the middle of the night with a crying baby, trying to pull them apart is enough to make you pull your hair out.
** Sleeping babies make the CRAZIEST noises
** A 9pm bedtime isn't just for babies.
** You'd be amazed what you can get done in the 120 minutes that your child is sleeping - laundry, dishes, a blog!
** One of the highlights of being a mom is watching my husband become a dad!
** Being a mom is the hardest and most demanding job - but clearly the most rewarding.
** Nursing is painful and hard, but worth it.

There are millions more that I have yet to learn and can't wait to do so.
My sweet little guy is stirring so it's back to being at his beck and call. :)

A Baby Story!

February 10, 2009...

After one very sleepless night we arrived at the hospital at about 5:45 am. By 6:30 I was gowned up and tapped in to my pitocin. The monitor showed that I was already contracting regularly so the hopes that things would go quickly increased. At 8:30 the doctor came in to break my water. By 10 the contractions were pretty intense. I tried to tough them out as long as I could...which wasn't very long. It was shocking how much pain was on my legs. It was a totally unexpected sensation. Around 11 I received my epidural which was great. I had no intentions of going natural. I figure that I've earned my stripes by carrying the little guy for nine months. Having him naturally wasn't going to make me any more of a hero. My epidural had only been in for about an hour when I started to feel everything on my right side again. The anesthesiologist came back and upped the ante...nice...very nice. Except that now I was pretty much numb everywhere, not just below my waist. My arms tingled.
By about 2:45 I was dialated to an 8. I told Chad that if he wanted to go home and feed the dog, this was his last chance. Off he went. Thankfully my mom was there and stayed in the room with me. This is where it starts to get blurry...
The nurse appears to be staring very intently at the monitor and not saying much. Without much comment she pulls out an oxygen mask and straps it on me. Around 3 Chad comes back in and the nurse informs us that I'm complete and it's time to start pushing. This is the point where mom got the boot.
The nurse had me do a few practice pushes at which point I notice that the epidural has worn off again - on both sides this time. Ouch!
Following the practice pushes the doctor comes in and checks me. People are moving around quickly and no one is really speaking to Chad or me. Finally I hear them say something about forceps. I was so confused. I thought they only used those if the baby was taking forever to come out. We hadn't even started trying to get him out...why would I need those? Then I realized that the doctor was trying to turn the baby. While he was head down, his head was turned to the side. With every contraction the baby's heartbeat was dropping (decels) and they needed to get him out. They weren't sure if the cord was around his neck or what could be causing the decels. They were going to start with the forceps but because of the way that his head was turned they were unable. Next thing I know the doctor is calling for a "stat section". Within seconds there are 5 nurses in the room unhooking things and rehooking new things and wheeling me out. I didn't get to say bye to Chad and I was terrified.
The c-section room was full of nurses who had me in place and ready in no time. My BFF the anesteseologist was back. This time they hit me hard core with the epidural. If it didn't take fast enough, they would have to put me completely under. Thankfully it took. Once they were sure that it was going to take, they let Chad in the room. He looked great, even though my teary eyes he was my knight in blue paper scrubs! :) Next thing I know he's at my side and there is some tugging and then joyful sounds as my little guy entered the world. Within seconds he was crying...just like his mommy. We got a quick look before they took him over to the warmer to be cleaned up and checked out. Laughter erupted as our little stinker decided to pee on the nurses three times before they could get him cleaned up and back to us. We were in love from the moment we laid eyes on him, and that love has only grown since...
That day was insanity. I had never experienced such a range of emotions in such a short period of time.
The doctor apologized several times for not being able to give me the birth that I had wanted but as far as I was concerned - the end justified the means.

Hunter Richard - Born 2.10.09 at 3:40pm. 8lb5oz, 19.5 inches

Tomorrow is the day...

Chad and I just returned from our 41 week prenatal appointment. Since I am clearly past my due date, we have decided to opt for an induction. I would have loved for the little guy to come on his own, but at this point, he really doesn't seem to want to do that. So, tomorrow at 6am we go into Labor and Delivery and don't come back out until we are Chad, Lacey and Baby Hunter.
I feel like we have been waiting on "go" since the beginning of January and then all of a sudden today the starting gun blasted and away we go. The next week is going to be pure insanity. Not only are we bringing a new life into this world but we are also packing up all of our lives and moving back across the state to Topeka. By this time next week I will be a mom AND a Topeka resident. I'm totally excited and equally terrified.
I don't know how I should be spending today. I mean, it's my last day as just me. Tomorrow our lives are going to change so much. It's hard to believe all that has happened in the past year and it will all be coming to fruition in less than 24 hours. We survived a miscarriage, something I never thought I would be strong enough to live through. We moved hundreds of miles from our parents and friends to start a new life in Hays. We made new friends, found new foods (I'm going to miss Green Bean Dumpling Soup), made memories. My sister gave birth to the most beautiful little girl. Then we found out we were pregnant again. We survived 8 weeks of morning sickness. We heard heart tones. I quit my job. I went back to work for Payless as a contract employee just to have an excuse to go back to Topeka once a month. We found out we were having a boy! Life started to feel normal. The last trimester hit like a ton of bricks. Chad's brother got married. Chad got and accepted a job offer back home. I lost a friend and a cat. My husband lost a cousin. Our due date came...and went. Now, here we are - at a countdown to Baby Day. The last year has been laughter and tears. Chad and I have grown so incredibly close that I can't imagine my life without him. I've become so codependant on him, but I don't mind because he's the love of my life.
So, I guess that is about it for now. Next time I post the name of our blog will be so much more appropriate. :)

And the waiting continues...

Hunter is not a punctual little guy, this has been determined. My little guy is now two days past due and I see no impending birth in sight. I know he will come when he is ready...but I'm ready so shouldn't that count for something??
I have good days and bad days. I mean yesterday I was rockin' and rollin' and nesting like crazy. I took Trigger for a good long walk and was just in a happy mood. Looking back, I may have tricked myself into a good mood. I guess I thought that if I forced myself to nest and be active Hunter would just be ready to come out lickity split. Well, when I woke up this morning and realized that he wasn't coming I just got bummed out again. I *think* that by this time next week I will be a mommy. I know that we will start talking about inducing at my appt next Monday which I have accepted the fact that I will be attending.
The sooner he comes, the sooner we are back in our house in Topeka. It kills me that Hunter has a nursery all ready for him and I haven't even seen it yet. An amazing team of grandparents have done their part to paint, carpet and assemble furniture so that the little guy has the room of *my* dreams when we get home. I can't wait to post pictures.
I guess that there are a lot of things that I can't wait for these days! :)
Random note: Today while blogging, I felt like the Doogie Howser MD theme music was playing in the background...strange! Now, if only the screen had been blue and cerca 1991.

...

I'll be the first to admit that I hate talking on the phone. There are very few people that I will talk to on the phone and the majority of them are family. I would rather text or send a Facebook message any day, but there are some things, some news, that you just can't understand why it would be sent through a text message. How do you tell someone that their friend has died via text message? It's even worse when the text message comes from a number you don't even know. Someone that you aren't even familiar enough with to have their number in your phone sends you a message like that. I understand that I am 39 weeks pregnant and already emotional but why wouldn't someone just call me??
That's how my Sunday began. A text message from a stranger (not really a stranger, just someone I don't communicate with often) telling me that one of my closest friends from high school was gone...forever. How can you even begin to wrap your head around that from a text? I had more questions and didn't even know where to start. My thoughts went to Mo. She was in DC enjoying a visit with friends. I wanted to call her, I wanted to talk to her, but I had no details...nothing to give her besides the blunt words that I had received. Before I knew it, she already knew and she had found out that one of her dearest friends since she was two years old had died...and she had to find out via Facebook.
I don't grieve well. So many people are focusing on the positive and the great memories (she was an AMAZING girl!). I can't get past my own guilt and anger. My anger isn't directed toward her, my anger is directed toward those people that want to do nothing but talk about the tragedy itself. The people that care more about the details of it all then the woman herself. Those that are broadcasting unnecessary information via Facebook with no respect for the family and close friends that are truly just trying to get through this.
My guilt is two-fold. With every death there is always this "I should have been there" guilt. This thought that I could have done something to prevent this, whether it be a car accident or a heart attack...I can't help but feel responsible. I should have been there. The second part of my guilt comes from the fact that tomorrow is the funeral and I'm 200 miles away and can't be there. People are coming in from all over the country and I can't make a 200 mile drive because I am 39+ weeks pregnant and could go into labor at any moment. I feel like I couldn't be there for her in life, and I don't even get to be there for her in death. I want these thoughts to go away because I need to focus on the positive...on just how awesome she was.
Because I know it helped Mo, below are a few of my favorite memories of Katie...
- Her famous "Class of 2000" picture from the first day of Kindergarten
- Her rediculous monkey jokes that made no sense
- Her bagel and Diet Dr. Pepper diet.
- Her beating Chad at darts the first night they met.
- Junior and Senior prom
- Our classic Katie/Lacey pose - Chin resting on hands, BIG smile.
- "Vote for Lacey, she's GRRRRRRRRREAT" and "Condensed Vote for Lacey Soup" - I couldn't have made it onto StuCo without her awesome posters.
- Sitting in Government class on StuCo days, the four of us girls in our sweet polos, driving the teacher nuts.
- Her Champagne colored 626
- We were twins! Until she went and got all skinny on me, but I was happy to take her big clothes off her hands.
- The picture below, from my wedding. She braved the snow to be there and I knew she wouldn't miss it for the world...

My last face to face moment with Katie was in 2007. We ran into each other at Chipotle. She was so happy, and her usual fun chatty self. She told me all about her puppy Lucy - a mini dachshund. We couldn't wait for Trigger and Lucy to meet. As it happens, they never did but that memory of Katie, glowing and happy is exactly how I intend to remember her.
I love you Katie, may God Bless You.



Mo, Casey, Katie, Andrea and me - 12/17/05

I'm losing my mind...

Here we are...38+ weeks pregnant and just waiting waiting waiting. The anxiety is getting to me in a way that I could have never imagined. I can't pinpoint the anxiety either. Is it the fear of becoming a mother for the first time? Is it the fear of childbirth? I have NO IDEA! I guess it is probably the fear of it all. I find things to worry about so that I can stay up at night. The one night in the last month that I was asleep before midnight I woke up at 4a.m. and stewed on things until 7a.m. I am totally exhausted all the time. I wish I could be one of those pregnant women that is just smiling and glowing up until the second that she pushes the little booger out. I'm afraid that it's just not going to be the case. I'm slowly shutting down. My apologies to those that may wind up feeling my wrath.
The one thing that this pregnancy has taught me is how to properly treat pregnant women going foward. It appears that once you hit a certain point, you are nothing more than a baby maker and no one has any desire to discuss anything with you other than baby. People that you rarely talk to will contact you just to find out if the baby is born. No real "how are you doing?" just "have you had the baby yet?" I guess that the excitment does that to people...I probably did it to Jenny when she was pregnant with Camryn. Sorry J!
On a side note, Trigger is being extra sweet and lovey today! He's my sweet baby boy and giving me the comfort and attention that I needed. Ellen is on, which means it is Trigger's nap time but he's spending it up here wrapped up next to me as I type away. He's doing his part to keep me sane as I slowly lose my mind.

It's getting closer...

I can't believe that I'm already 37 weeks pregnant. It's still hard to get my head around. We had our weekly appt yesterday and our little friend is preparing for his exit. The doctor still anticipates seeing us for our weekly appointment next week but also stated that "you never know." We've had a few requests for him to arrive this weekend, but it's up to Hunter so who knows...
Chad and I attended our birthing class this past weekend. Unfortunately, I think that the class has terrified Chad. Not so much at being a dad, but at dealing with me during the birth. I'm not always the "friendliest" person when I don't feel well and I think that has him a little nervous about having to deal with me. I think he'll do great really. He's so laid back and takes good care of me so I'm not worried.
The weather here is actually pretty nice. Windy, but that's nothing new. There is talk of us GeoCaching tonight (geek speak: Treasure Hunting). Feel free to laugh, but we have fun and it gets us out of the house.
Not much going on here this week. Chad's best friend is coming into town on Friday for a FHSU wrestling dual. We will probably go watch. Sweaty men groping each other - what fun! I have given Chad the go ahead for a big pheasant hunt on Saturday morning. He knows the rules though - phone on at all times and answered EVERYTIME! Beyond that...who knows what sort of trouble we will get ourselves into.

A new year and a new life on the way.

So, it has been a month since my last confession, er, blog. I get distracted I guess. Or I have nothing to say. Who knows.
Christmas break was amazing. Chad was able to close the plant for the week so we actually got to spend 6 days back home. It was such a blast. Christmas Eve was my parent's Holiday Open House. It's always so fun to hang out with the family. We were missing a few faces, but not too many.
My sister Jenny, her husband Rob and the most adorable little niece in the world Camryn were there. Camryn really is just the greatest baby ever (for a few more weeks anyway). My heart truly melts everytime I see her smile. She's such a happy baby. I love seeing her with my Jenny and Rob. They are such great parents. I can only hope that Chad and I are that good!
Christmas Day was great. Camryn looked adorable. I wish I had pictures. She had so much fun for her first Christmas! Usually, baby's first christmas isn't too exciting because baby doesn't usually get it. But there was so many fun things for her to do and paper to eat! She was one happy little girl.
The boys spent the day playing their new Wii games. Mom and Jen watched Mama Mia and I slept! It was the first time in as long as I can remember that the 6 of us (now 7 with the Camster) actually had the whole day to spend together. No one had to run off to any other functions, we just got to be one big happy family. I'm going to treasure that Christmas because I have a feeling it will be the last one like that.
Friday we went to Holton to celebrate with Chad's family. It was also a blast. Our nephew Eric is at the age where he love love loves presents. Being the horrible aunt and uncle that we are, we got him the biggest gift we could find with the most pieces. All that his parents could say is that paybacks are hell. They are already talking drum set for Hunter. Nice!
Saturday was Baby Shower day. I have to admit, I was pretty excited about this. Not so much for the gifts, but more for getting to see so many people. Being so close to the holiday I was nervous that the turn out wouldn't be too high but there were so many people there. Our hostesses did a great job and we got a ton of great stuff! We are all set for this little guy to get here now (minus diapers - but they are on my list).
Sunday we made the drive home and here we are and here we have been for almost 2 weeks! We knew that it would be our last trip home before Hunter arrives so we certainly enjoyed it to the fullest.
New Years was spent watching those Hawks whoop it up in the Insight Bowl and calling it a night by 9pm.
We've had one doctors appt since then. Nothing exciting. Our appointments are weekly now which means this baby is getting close. We are so excited.
This weekend is Child Birth Class (aka Baby School). We are ready to get schooled on this parenting thing. Let's be honest, we have no idea what we are getting ourselves into and any lessons would be greatly appreciated prior to our On the Job Training!

Reason #133 I can't wait for Hunter to get here: I get to go from saying I'm unemployed to saying that I am a Stay at Home Mom!!!!