Big Girl Shopping

I have this illness, you see. Anytime there is an event, of any magnitude, I feel compelled to buy a new outfit. This is a negative thing on many levels. First, there is the fact that I am not made of money and yet I insist on spending it. Second, I hate shopping. Well, I shouldn't say that I "hate" it. Shopping and I just don't get along...
This Saturday my mother, sister and I are attending a wedding shower. Normally, I would try to find something at home to wear. But this shower had a black and white theme and while I have plenty of black clothes (oh, so slimming) I was certainly lacking in the white department. So off I went to the mall.
Now, I'm a big girl. Hey, I just had a kid, leave me alone. Wait, I was big before the baby...damnit! Tonight I came to the conclusion that there is not a single plus size woman that does any sort of buying for plus size departments. It is my guess that a room full of plus size clothing merchants probably weigh about as much as my thigh. These merchants obviously assume that plus size women don't care much about how they look and therefore they chose to add their discount bauble and beading to plus size clothing. I was seriously amazed at the plus size clothes that I was looking at. I mean, what plus size woman wouln't want to wear a boat neck top where the neck hole is actually a zipper? Or why not throw in some giant plastic gems in a haphazard pattern across the chest? That sounds fantastic... Macy's appears to assume that in order to be plus size, you must also be a card carrying member of the AARP. Can you say embroidered capris in sage and coral and tan? Grrrr....
I'm sure you skinny people are just saying to yourself "hey fatty, why not quit your bitching and do something about it." Okay, I'll do that, but it ain't gonna happen before Saturday so bare with me here kids.
I was about to give up hope when that sweet navy blue sign caught my eye and I fell into the Gap. After an hour and a half of scowering the rest of the mall and throwing up in my mouth a few times, I finally found something for the shower in a non plus size store. Now, let's all say a little prayer that I am done puttin' on the lbs because if I do outgrow the Gap, I'm going into hiding with my embroidered tan capris and bauble adorned wide strap tanks.