I'll be the first to admit that I hate talking on the phone. There are very few people that I will talk to on the phone and the majority of them are family. I would rather text or send a Facebook message any day, but there are some things, some news, that you just can't understand why it would be sent through a text message. How do you tell someone that their friend has died via text message? It's even worse when the text message comes from a number you don't even know. Someone that you aren't even familiar enough with to have their number in your phone sends you a message like that. I understand that I am 39 weeks pregnant and already emotional but why wouldn't someone just call me??
That's how my Sunday began. A text message from a stranger (not really a stranger, just someone I don't communicate with often) telling me that one of my closest friends from high school was gone...forever. How can you even begin to wrap your head around that from a text? I had more questions and didn't even know where to start. My thoughts went to Mo. She was in DC enjoying a visit with friends. I wanted to call her, I wanted to talk to her, but I had no details...nothing to give her besides the blunt words that I had received. Before I knew it, she already knew and she had found out that one of her dearest friends since she was two years old had died...and she had to find out via Facebook.
I don't grieve well. So many people are focusing on the positive and the great memories (she was an AMAZING girl!). I can't get past my own guilt and anger. My anger isn't directed toward her, my anger is directed toward those people that want to do nothing but talk about the tragedy itself. The people that care more about the details of it all then the woman herself. Those that are broadcasting unnecessary information via Facebook with no respect for the family and close friends that are truly just trying to get through this.
My guilt is two-fold. With every death there is always this "I should have been there" guilt. This thought that I could have done something to prevent this, whether it be a car accident or a heart attack...I can't help but feel responsible. I should have been there. The second part of my guilt comes from the fact that tomorrow is the funeral and I'm 200 miles away and can't be there. People are coming in from all over the country and I can't make a 200 mile drive because I am 39+ weeks pregnant and could go into labor at any moment. I feel like I couldn't be there for her in life, and I don't even get to be there for her in death. I want these thoughts to go away because I need to focus on the positive...on just how awesome she was.
Because I know it helped Mo, below are a few of my favorite memories of Katie...
- Her famous "Class of 2000" picture from the first day of Kindergarten
- Her rediculous monkey jokes that made no sense
- Her bagel and Diet Dr. Pepper diet.
- Her beating Chad at darts the first night they met.
- Junior and Senior prom
- Our classic Katie/Lacey pose - Chin resting on hands, BIG smile.
- "Vote for Lacey, she's GRRRRRRRRREAT" and "Condensed Vote for Lacey Soup" - I couldn't have made it onto StuCo without her awesome posters.
- Sitting in Government class on StuCo days, the four of us girls in our sweet polos, driving the teacher nuts.
- Her Champagne colored 626
- We were twins! Until she went and got all skinny on me, but I was happy to take her big clothes off her hands.
- The picture below, from my wedding. She braved the snow to be there and I knew she wouldn't miss it for the world...
My last face to face moment with Katie was in 2007. We ran into each other at Chipotle. She was so happy, and her usual fun chatty self. She told me all about her puppy Lucy - a mini dachshund. We couldn't wait for Trigger and Lucy to meet. As it happens, they never did but that memory of Katie, glowing and happy is exactly how I intend to remember her.
I love you Katie, may God Bless You.
Mo, Casey, Katie, Andrea and me - 12/17/05