...

I'll be the first to admit that I hate talking on the phone. There are very few people that I will talk to on the phone and the majority of them are family. I would rather text or send a Facebook message any day, but there are some things, some news, that you just can't understand why it would be sent through a text message. How do you tell someone that their friend has died via text message? It's even worse when the text message comes from a number you don't even know. Someone that you aren't even familiar enough with to have their number in your phone sends you a message like that. I understand that I am 39 weeks pregnant and already emotional but why wouldn't someone just call me??
That's how my Sunday began. A text message from a stranger (not really a stranger, just someone I don't communicate with often) telling me that one of my closest friends from high school was gone...forever. How can you even begin to wrap your head around that from a text? I had more questions and didn't even know where to start. My thoughts went to Mo. She was in DC enjoying a visit with friends. I wanted to call her, I wanted to talk to her, but I had no details...nothing to give her besides the blunt words that I had received. Before I knew it, she already knew and she had found out that one of her dearest friends since she was two years old had died...and she had to find out via Facebook.
I don't grieve well. So many people are focusing on the positive and the great memories (she was an AMAZING girl!). I can't get past my own guilt and anger. My anger isn't directed toward her, my anger is directed toward those people that want to do nothing but talk about the tragedy itself. The people that care more about the details of it all then the woman herself. Those that are broadcasting unnecessary information via Facebook with no respect for the family and close friends that are truly just trying to get through this.
My guilt is two-fold. With every death there is always this "I should have been there" guilt. This thought that I could have done something to prevent this, whether it be a car accident or a heart attack...I can't help but feel responsible. I should have been there. The second part of my guilt comes from the fact that tomorrow is the funeral and I'm 200 miles away and can't be there. People are coming in from all over the country and I can't make a 200 mile drive because I am 39+ weeks pregnant and could go into labor at any moment. I feel like I couldn't be there for her in life, and I don't even get to be there for her in death. I want these thoughts to go away because I need to focus on the positive...on just how awesome she was.
Because I know it helped Mo, below are a few of my favorite memories of Katie...
- Her famous "Class of 2000" picture from the first day of Kindergarten
- Her rediculous monkey jokes that made no sense
- Her bagel and Diet Dr. Pepper diet.
- Her beating Chad at darts the first night they met.
- Junior and Senior prom
- Our classic Katie/Lacey pose - Chin resting on hands, BIG smile.
- "Vote for Lacey, she's GRRRRRRRRREAT" and "Condensed Vote for Lacey Soup" - I couldn't have made it onto StuCo without her awesome posters.
- Sitting in Government class on StuCo days, the four of us girls in our sweet polos, driving the teacher nuts.
- Her Champagne colored 626
- We were twins! Until she went and got all skinny on me, but I was happy to take her big clothes off her hands.
- The picture below, from my wedding. She braved the snow to be there and I knew she wouldn't miss it for the world...

My last face to face moment with Katie was in 2007. We ran into each other at Chipotle. She was so happy, and her usual fun chatty self. She told me all about her puppy Lucy - a mini dachshund. We couldn't wait for Trigger and Lucy to meet. As it happens, they never did but that memory of Katie, glowing and happy is exactly how I intend to remember her.
I love you Katie, may God Bless You.



Mo, Casey, Katie, Andrea and me - 12/17/05

I'm losing my mind...

Here we are...38+ weeks pregnant and just waiting waiting waiting. The anxiety is getting to me in a way that I could have never imagined. I can't pinpoint the anxiety either. Is it the fear of becoming a mother for the first time? Is it the fear of childbirth? I have NO IDEA! I guess it is probably the fear of it all. I find things to worry about so that I can stay up at night. The one night in the last month that I was asleep before midnight I woke up at 4a.m. and stewed on things until 7a.m. I am totally exhausted all the time. I wish I could be one of those pregnant women that is just smiling and glowing up until the second that she pushes the little booger out. I'm afraid that it's just not going to be the case. I'm slowly shutting down. My apologies to those that may wind up feeling my wrath.
The one thing that this pregnancy has taught me is how to properly treat pregnant women going foward. It appears that once you hit a certain point, you are nothing more than a baby maker and no one has any desire to discuss anything with you other than baby. People that you rarely talk to will contact you just to find out if the baby is born. No real "how are you doing?" just "have you had the baby yet?" I guess that the excitment does that to people...I probably did it to Jenny when she was pregnant with Camryn. Sorry J!
On a side note, Trigger is being extra sweet and lovey today! He's my sweet baby boy and giving me the comfort and attention that I needed. Ellen is on, which means it is Trigger's nap time but he's spending it up here wrapped up next to me as I type away. He's doing his part to keep me sane as I slowly lose my mind.

It's getting closer...

I can't believe that I'm already 37 weeks pregnant. It's still hard to get my head around. We had our weekly appt yesterday and our little friend is preparing for his exit. The doctor still anticipates seeing us for our weekly appointment next week but also stated that "you never know." We've had a few requests for him to arrive this weekend, but it's up to Hunter so who knows...
Chad and I attended our birthing class this past weekend. Unfortunately, I think that the class has terrified Chad. Not so much at being a dad, but at dealing with me during the birth. I'm not always the "friendliest" person when I don't feel well and I think that has him a little nervous about having to deal with me. I think he'll do great really. He's so laid back and takes good care of me so I'm not worried.
The weather here is actually pretty nice. Windy, but that's nothing new. There is talk of us GeoCaching tonight (geek speak: Treasure Hunting). Feel free to laugh, but we have fun and it gets us out of the house.
Not much going on here this week. Chad's best friend is coming into town on Friday for a FHSU wrestling dual. We will probably go watch. Sweaty men groping each other - what fun! I have given Chad the go ahead for a big pheasant hunt on Saturday morning. He knows the rules though - phone on at all times and answered EVERYTIME! Beyond that...who knows what sort of trouble we will get ourselves into.

A new year and a new life on the way.

So, it has been a month since my last confession, er, blog. I get distracted I guess. Or I have nothing to say. Who knows.
Christmas break was amazing. Chad was able to close the plant for the week so we actually got to spend 6 days back home. It was such a blast. Christmas Eve was my parent's Holiday Open House. It's always so fun to hang out with the family. We were missing a few faces, but not too many.
My sister Jenny, her husband Rob and the most adorable little niece in the world Camryn were there. Camryn really is just the greatest baby ever (for a few more weeks anyway). My heart truly melts everytime I see her smile. She's such a happy baby. I love seeing her with my Jenny and Rob. They are such great parents. I can only hope that Chad and I are that good!
Christmas Day was great. Camryn looked adorable. I wish I had pictures. She had so much fun for her first Christmas! Usually, baby's first christmas isn't too exciting because baby doesn't usually get it. But there was so many fun things for her to do and paper to eat! She was one happy little girl.
The boys spent the day playing their new Wii games. Mom and Jen watched Mama Mia and I slept! It was the first time in as long as I can remember that the 6 of us (now 7 with the Camster) actually had the whole day to spend together. No one had to run off to any other functions, we just got to be one big happy family. I'm going to treasure that Christmas because I have a feeling it will be the last one like that.
Friday we went to Holton to celebrate with Chad's family. It was also a blast. Our nephew Eric is at the age where he love love loves presents. Being the horrible aunt and uncle that we are, we got him the biggest gift we could find with the most pieces. All that his parents could say is that paybacks are hell. They are already talking drum set for Hunter. Nice!
Saturday was Baby Shower day. I have to admit, I was pretty excited about this. Not so much for the gifts, but more for getting to see so many people. Being so close to the holiday I was nervous that the turn out wouldn't be too high but there were so many people there. Our hostesses did a great job and we got a ton of great stuff! We are all set for this little guy to get here now (minus diapers - but they are on my list).
Sunday we made the drive home and here we are and here we have been for almost 2 weeks! We knew that it would be our last trip home before Hunter arrives so we certainly enjoyed it to the fullest.
New Years was spent watching those Hawks whoop it up in the Insight Bowl and calling it a night by 9pm.
We've had one doctors appt since then. Nothing exciting. Our appointments are weekly now which means this baby is getting close. We are so excited.
This weekend is Child Birth Class (aka Baby School). We are ready to get schooled on this parenting thing. Let's be honest, we have no idea what we are getting ourselves into and any lessons would be greatly appreciated prior to our On the Job Training!

Reason #133 I can't wait for Hunter to get here: I get to go from saying I'm unemployed to saying that I am a Stay at Home Mom!!!!